Gaydar gone wild

  OK, the time for subtlety is over. It’s time to get real here. I’m tired of talking around this issue.

So come clean, Republicans. Reveal your true selves. Stop living the lie. Fly and be free.

Come out of the damn closet already!

I say this because if we extrapolate the trend based on current evidence, pretty much every single Republican in America is either gay or a sexual deviant of some sort. At this rate it’s only a matter of time before they all out themselves on national TV.

And I don’t mean the fun kind of gay, “Will & Grace” gay, show-tune gay. I’m talking cruising-the-men’s-bathroom gay. Glory-hole gay. Not-fun gay. Ug-lay gay.

Everyone knows by now about the most recent “family values” hypocrite to out himself, Sen. Larry Craig (R-I the Ho). But Craig is just the latest in a very long line of bogus Christian marriage-sanctity protectors who turned out to be disgusting pervs:

Glenn Murphy Jr., president of the Young Republicans, charged with trying to have oral sex with another guy while the dude was sleeping;

Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), who apparently likes his hookers to powder his bottom and put him in diapers (not making that up);

Fla. State Rep. Bill Allen (R-Merrit Island), arrested for offering oral sex to an undercover police officer (he later said black people panicked him into doing it);

Rev. Ted Haggard, conservative Christian youth minister and crystal meth and gay sex addict;

Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.), child molester who likely cost Republicans the house last year;

And…. who’s next?

Jack Kingston, are you doing some soul-searching at this very moment?

Governor Perdue? With a name like “Sonny,” well….

Maybe a Republican member of Savannah City Council? Oh, wait….

If Vegas laid odds on this stuff, they wouldn’t get much action (pardon the pun). The odds would be about 1-1, because every Republican is apparently gay. No payoff in that bet!

One of the leading conservative voices in the local media, a quite well-known guy around town, used to troll my high school gym trying to pick us up — all of us, of all ages. I know because he tried it with me, as well as with all my friends. Now he’s a local Republican media star. Most of you probably know him by name and by face. A disgusting perv, that’s what.

I used to think he was an anomaly, just an isolated weirdo. I don’t think that now. It seems to be more the norm. I’m sure that same scenario has played itself out all across the country. It’s ridiculous, it’s soul-destroying, it’s a waste of time and energy, it’s a lie, and it needs to stop.

From here on out, I’m just going to be on the safe side and assume that every male Republican I meet wants to have sex with me. I think that’s a conservative estimate (again, pardon the pun). Numbers don’t lie.

This is all very sad, really. It’s pathetic more than anything. Ordinarily these people would deserve all our utmost compassion for having to waste their lives hiding their true natures in this homophobic society we live in.

But the thing is — they’re the ones that make it a homophobic society. If these Republicans would stop making with the “family values” crap, maybe this country could begin to address some of the many genuine problems we face. They need to stop all the preaching, and just be as gay as they wanna be — you know, like gay Democrats are.

And most importantly, they can stop messing with people while they’re sleeping or trying to take a dump at an airport bathroom.

Is that really too much to ask?

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