It’s time to welcome a new holiday to the calendar. Oct. 17 is apparently the day when Savannah Morning News arts reporter John Stoehr begins his newest Ninja search-and-destroy mission, this one at the Charleston City Paper. Cheers!

We live in a time of discord, cynicism and mistrust. So it’s a rare opportunity indeed when an entire community can come together as one to celebrate something everyone agrees is great and important.

I think it’s safe to say that never has Savannah’s arts community been so united in anything as it is in rejoicing that Stoehr’s relentless, reckless and utterly useless jihad against them has finally come to an end. On that historic morning, we’ll wake up secure in the knowledge that we will never again be forced to witness the cringe-inducing but undeniably fascinating sight of one man’s oddly exhibitionist primal therapy played out for all the city to see on the pages of the daily paper of record.

I swear, I heard corks popping from champagne bottles all over town last night, like gunshots. Wait, maybe that was just gunshots.

Anyway, Stoehr — who as of this writing is still collecting a paycheck from the Morning News — has written his very first column for his new employer, in which he bashes Savannah, the Savannah Jazz Festival, our entire arts community, and probably your puppy or kitty. Here it is, in all its solipsistic, self-absorbed glory.

Be sure to scroll down to the comments, and be sure to keep in mind that, in his patented fashion, he was still working at the Morning News when he pitched and wrote this, and that his new City Paper editor, Stephanie Barna, inexplicably said, “OK, fine.”

I hesitate to get too far into my history with Stoehr, because I was the moron who hired him into Savannah journalism to begin with, as music editor here. That didn’t work out, as the euphemism goes.

After “parting ways” with Connect Savannah (another euphemism), Stoehr almost immediately got the job with the Morning News that cemented his notoriety here as a narcissistic, treacherous muckraker, focused like a laser beam on alienating every artist and arts organization in town. Literally every single one, an amazing feat of consensus-brokering on Stoehr’s part, unintentional though it was.

Two things I’ve learned about John: 1) He really has no clue of the incredible negative impact he has on the people he writes about; and 2) He’s a very productive dude, churning out oceans of copy for his main employer as well as anyone else he can shill the same articles to on the side. In addition, he writes more or less constantly at this Arts Journal blog — note the typically condescending title, “Flyover” — where he seems to be regarded as some kind of meta-savant or guru.

I should be saddened at his leaving, because his presence made our job so much easier. All we had to do was walk into the room and people would say, “Thank God, Connect is covering this and not Stoehr.” I have played Knight in Shining Armor many times, all just by showing up. I say that not to pat myself on the back, but to show how nasty the situation had become.

But truthfully I’m as happy as anyone else he’s leaving, because I love my city and want to see it lifted up, not degraded. We’ve got a lot of problems and Lord knows we’ve got a long ways to go, but we’re finally moving in the right direction. Maybe a little faster now that he’s gone.

My only nagging discomfort is due to my hard-won knowledge that despite the undeniable charms and beauty of Charleston, there is a strange magnetism about Savannah that always pulls people back in. The day may come when we have to revoke our new holiday and strike it from the calendar.

But for now, I’ll just celebrate John Stoehr Independence day in true Savannah fashion, with the secret weapon we have that Charleston doesn’t: To-go cups.

UPDATE: As Joseph Conrad would put it, “Mistah Stoehr, he gone.” According to my (jubilant) sources inside the building, the SMN on Monday told him to go away and not come back. For lack of better info I’m still holding to that Oct. 17 date for the official holiday.

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I was in Gallery Espresso for a meeting today and had couple of minutes to kill. So I reached over and, lo and behold, the top story on the front page of your daily local paper was another mushy valentine to the commanding general of the 3rd Infantry Division, Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, from the resident political stenographer, uh, excuse me, reporter, Larry Peterson.

This one sported the incredibly lame headline, “Lynch: Public will support the war if it is properly informed, but isn’t now.” Reads like a headline The Onion would run, doesn’t it? A middle school newsletter wouldn’t let anything that amateurish hit stands, but there you have it.

In the piece Gen. Lynch specifically and repeatedly blames not bad strategy, not poor planning, not Bush, not Cheney, not Rumsfeld, not Gates, not the Joint Chiefs of Staff, not the Republican Party, not himself — but the media for the disaster in Iraq. It’s really that simple for him.

Got that? The media. He’s a real warfighter, that Lynch is.

Check this out:

“‘If the American people are informed properly,’ Lynch told reporters after he arrived home on leave, ‘I believe they will be supportive of the mission. But they’re not getting the right story. As a result, they’re anti the war.’”

“Anti the war.” That’s evidently what the guy really said. Anti the war.

The grammatically-challenged general goes on to say:

“‘All I’m seeing when I watch TV … is the bad news and not the good news,’ he said.”

Ummm… maybe because we’re in the fifth year of the war with no significant progress and people are really sick and tired of paying for it in the lives of loved ones and in tax dollars? Hmmmmmmm?

Anyway, judging from the direct pipeline Gen. Lynch has to the local daily’s front page — no matter what patronizing, half-baked dittohead slop he’s going to spew on it — Gen. Petraeus has got nothing on him. I mean every word out of Lynch’s mouth, the Morning News splashes all over the place. You can’t pick the damn thing up anymore without seeing some poorly written “column” by Lynch, sometimes placed unethically in the news section (essentially the case with Peterson’s piece, which is basically a thinly disguised column).

I’d be curious as to what the military families the Morning News thinks it’s sucking up to really think of Lynch and the war. I imagine it’s not as glowing a review as the paper seems to think.

It’s passed the point of journalistic malpractice and officially hit the embarrassment stage. I realize the Morning News only has like five or so reporters left after the latest mass exodus/attrition in the newsroom — seriously, I’m not sure they could field a football team at this point — but putting the 3rd ID’s commanding officer on the staff really isn’t the solution.

Here’s Editor & Publisher’s take. It’s not the first time they’ve questioned the ethics of the Morning News on the whole Lynch thing.

As for Larry Peterson, he’s a nice guy. I can only assume too nice to tell his editor and publisher to quit making him write these goofy love letters to the general every other day.

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You know, one of the things that makes me the angriest about the bunch of thugs in the White House right now is how every bit of bad news works in their favor politically.

9/11 gives them a perfect opportunity to shred the Bill of Rights. Their failure in Iraq allows them to hold the whole world hostage by refusing to leave. The Katrina aftermath gives credence to their core philosophy that all government is bad. Etc., etc., etc.

Another side effect of Bush’s horrible policy decisions is the weakening dollar. Today for the first time the Euro is over $1.40.

The last time I was in Europe, in 2003, it was $1.18 or so, and that was damn near intolerable. But a buck and a half? Outrageous.

What this means of course is that Americans are less likely to travel to Europe, and therefore less likely to see how much better is the European quality of life in contrast to our own — whether it’s in health care, literacy, public safety, infant mortality, what have you.

The problem will only become worse as the Euro replaces the dollar as the default world currency, further pushing America out of the limelight on the world stage.

But politically this poor monetary policy helps Republicans, who can only keep power by keeping Americans in a heavily propagandized Fox News bubble where no reality is allowed to intrude. The worse Bush makes daily life for Americans, the more ignorant and insular we become as a nation. And therefore more willing to put up with what he and his bunch continue to do.

It’s a vicious circle, a downward spiral of inevitable national decline. It’s sad to watch, more so because it’s been so very predictable.

And when we hit rock bottom, Bush and his cronies will be long gone, probably off to some — you guessed it — European location where they can enjoy their bilked billions away from the ravaged, once-great nation they helped to destroy.

Oh, well. Hey, what do you think about O.J.?

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Our good friends at Savannah Actors Theatre will stage Richard O’Brien’s The Rocky Horror Show Live, with a full band and a cast of more than 20, Oct. 25-Nov. 10 on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays at 8 p.m., with 8 p.m. and midnight shows Oct. 30, 31, and Nov. 1. All performances are at Savannah Actor’s Theatre (703D Louisville Rd, in the 1929 Seaboard Freight Station).

They’re expecting sellouts, so call now (912.232.6080) for reservations. General tix are $15 and student/senior/military $10. It’s going to be directed by Jeffrey DeVincent.

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It’s really not nice to joke about an attempted bank robbery. Especially one where the robber comes in with a shotgun. Especially one where the alleged robber is a former Savannah Morning News employee.

I’m trying to control my sardonic tongue. It’s hard, because any number of jokes come to mind:

Such as: Well, that’s one way to get a decent Cost Of Living increase.

Or: Good thing he didn’t do that while he was still employed there, or he would have received a verbal reprimand.

Or: How will Gen. Lynch write about this in his next column as evidence of progress in Iraq?

I seriously doubt the former reporter in question, Mr. Lowery, is a hardcore criminal. It seems to me that more likely, he’s one of millions of people in this country who desperately need mental health care but have almost literally no place to receive it. One of the most underreported stories in America today is the almost total lack of even marginably affordable mental health treatment. It’s a big reason crime rates stay so high.

(Please note I’m not suggesting criminals should go unpunished. Mr. Lowery did the crime, and he should do the time. What I am saying is twofold: A) perhaps this incident would never have happened if he’d received adequate treatment; and B) it would be nice if in prison he could be treated for his obvious mental health problems so they don’t reappear if/when he gets out.)

I hate to make this all about politics, but there’s a clear and obvious political element. Hillary Clinton, as well as I think every other Democrat running for president, is putting mental health care on a parity with physical health care in her proposed reforms. This is long overdue, and I can’t stress enough how much such a move will positively impact crime statistics in this country.

Not that I think any of these candidates, if elected, will be able to change anything. Americans simply have too big a soft spot for getting screwed over by big corporations. We can’t get enough of it. It’s in our DNA.

In many quarters willingly letting yourself be abused by your employer is literally a hallmark of patriotism. Go ask some miners in West Virginia or Utah about the need for increased oversight and the need for their bosses to spend more money on increased mine safety. They’ll look at you like you’re crazy, reminisce about how much harder their daddy’s daddy had it, and go back into those mines to continue breaking their backs and destroying their lungs so the company they work for can make a few extra bucks to go toward a new Gulfstream.

I’ve learned much to my chagrin over the past couple of decades that the vast majority of Americans would rather that they and their families live in utter misery than deny a large multinational corporation even a penny of profit. No amount of evidence that every merger and every acquisition that’s ever been made results in higher costs and decreased service will convince them otherwise. Sure, they moan about it, but when they get an opportunity to actually do something about it — such as to vote — they go back to their old indentured servitude ways.

This ideological blind spot approaches the level of theological dogma. Our blind attachment to advancing corporate profit is on the same absurd level of the Byzantine Empire arguing for centuries over icons while the Ottoman Turks slowly encroached from all sides.

So anyway, all this means you’ll probably continue to see crazy guys with shotguns going into your corner bank. Oh, well — that’s got to be better than “socialized medicine,” right?

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